Ouch....

Pain really hurts. And it seems when it happens to me....it cuts deep! Why??? You know why!! Cause I put myself out there. I give my all and all plus some. I do things sometimes to "benefit" others but never really consider myself in it. I guess I'll feel like..."If I can help someone have a better life, than I'm happy." That's what I say to myself. And I do it cause I love hard. And I feel like I should be loved hard back. I don't wanna say I expect it....but in a way I do....is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want someone to think of me the way I do them? For them to want to give EVERYTHING in them to me the way I do every waking minute of the day. Is is too much to ask? IDK but at times i feel like this "thing" i want.....I'll never get....no matter who I try to fix it up. No matter how much I glorify it. No matter how much i defend it. No matter how much I love it....i cant make it love me back. And if it does love me...in some way, possible due to just time.....I cant make something that's NOT....BE.....

Why don't I know this by now? Why am i the way that I am? I hate myself for sacrificing it all, only to receive a few days, or weeks, and potentially months of happiness....What happened to a lifetime of happiness? Am i only allowed a limited amount of what I want/need? It damn sure seems like it....That its all a teaser in the beginning but somewhere down the line its snatched away, like a rug under my feet....and i fall hard y'all....real hard! And it hurts. I'M HURTING. And all i can say is OUCH.

I wanna understand. I wanna know why. Was it something I did? Was it a deal made with the devil before I knew it? There has to be a real answer to this. And not just everything happens for a reason. That's GRADE A BOLOGNA!!! 

Where do I go from here? Can I really forgive? And if I do forgive, do I go on with the chance of it happening again? Or do i count on myself to get where I'm trying to go? I cant trust anymore. And if I honestly and truly cant do that anymore, whats the purpose of going on? I don't have anyone to talk to. And the few that I can, are just gonna say the "I told you so's" and i cant deal with it being said to me, only because I'm saying it to myself. And I damn sure don't need anyone co-signing my feelings. I wouldn't even know what to say.

Tears flow and I cant make them go away. I hate crying. I hate the feelings of being humiliated. I hate it. HATE IT. HATE IT! I don't wanna feel this anymore. I thought I would never be hurt like this again....But this cut deeper than anything i can think of. Is there an explanation of this madness?

A mature person can look at a situation and say, "What did I do wrong?" before pointing the finger....

So what did I do wrong?
loved...gave....understood....sacrificed....comprehend....did....provided....pushed.....and conquered....

Yeah, I'm not perfect but my flaws are limited and controlled...
I'm a bit over protective. I'm worrisome. I'm paranoid. I loath b.s. I can have a smart mouth. I sometimes get messy. I can be lazy. And I feel like I have to know everything all of the time.

I never do anything initially to hurt someone, or make them feel like their work is in vain. I don't know if I've put myself in my current position b/c i thought my reward would be to see someone excel, which in my eyes seemed like the right decision and was done with great intentions, but turned out to be only a giving situation.

For the last few weeks I've felt something was wrong but couldn't quite place my finger on it. Don't know if it was women intuition or God speaking...or both....but I continued to have a gut feeling that something was not as it should. My eyes are wide open now and my heart is in pieces. And although I know I can forgive you, as I've done the others, I don't know if this is the road I should continue to take....


-from a broken heart

WWYD

Does a man's want for you a turn on? Does the fact he'll chase you to prove a point make you want him more? If he continues the chase even after getting yoy keep the relationship interesting? ABSOLUTELY!!! The fact that a man is willing to get outside of himself just to get you is the ultimate turn on! It just let's you know how much you may really mean to him. Not to say a man doesn't love you if he won't chase you, but it definitely gives a woman a sense of importance or confidence that a man will think outside the box to impress you. It makes us feel good when we have someone who will do that for us. It's definitely a good thing for every man to try it...single or not....and if you're not single, this is an even better time to try it....reinvent your relationship, make it fun and interesting. Make her feel like you want every bit of her being...every part of her heart....and never get comfortable in the relationship....



xoxo

PASSION

Is passion something you need or want? Does it make a break a relationship? What if one has never known passion but one has? How do you show that one how to do it, and do it right? Passion isn't necessarily sexual tension, but more so (to me at least) a state of being It cant be learned or taught. Passion is that grey area between love and hate; contentment and rage. Its the heat from your pores that reaches out and grabs the one you feel it for. It the glow in their eyes when they meet each other. Its the warmth from the tip of the finger when felt. Its the intensity of the voice you feel when your name leaves their lips....its hot and never cold, its living and never dead, its pounding, its the second beat in the rythm of your heart. It can never go away. Its that feeling of never being able to live emotionally without that one. It makes that person feel like "The One", "The Important One", "The Want, the Need, the Must Haves" of life. Its dangerous.

Passion is needed. And will never be compromised.

xoxo

True Gemini

I'm sort of a complex person. My husband told me yesterday that no one can really explain me. lol....I thought that was kinda funny. But then I sat back and thought about it.....Its very true.....He said " How many people know the REAL you?" And truth be told....No one but him. I never really open myself to anyone 100%. The most anyone will know about me is what I show. I love listening to JCole's some 2Face http://youtu.be/hlu2Uab34yU....that song really hits home for me in so many ways.

Why should I let myself be volnerable? There's no real reason (in my mind) that I should be. I need full control at all times. I need to be in control of my ups, my downs, and my turn arounds...Its sad sometimes but it is what it is. Do I plan to work on that....IDK....maybe not for a while....

I need to be needed....so me needing someone is not a comfortable place for me.

True story from a real Gemini....

Just checkin to see if my blog from phone works!

New Thang.....

Hello Blog World! Just trying some new things out. Welcoming myself the world of blogging!!

Dont have anything right now, but i will revist every now and then!!!

PEACE ♥HAPPINESS